Take a moment and think…..In the eyes of your children, what are you an authority in? Really, think about it. Having difficulty coming up with something other than what you did your degree in? That’s quite normal. However, you are a big authority in a lot of things and you need to recognize that. When you do, you will realize what a tremendous responsibility you have to exercise your authority consistently, continually and carefully in upbringing your children.
In your children's minds, you are their link with the world. They love you more than anyone. They trust YOU. They look to you for everything. God has allowed you to co-author his finest masterpieces. In the eyes of a small child, you have authority. Authority in what? Lots. When they are small they believe you should know:
and the list goes on. You must realize that compared to them, this is true. You have an obligation and a serious responsibility to use your authority to really help them to pursue what is good, true and beautiful in life. You do this when you discipline. The root of discipline is disciple. You need your kids to follow your lead. You need to have the skills of an awesome coach to lead them to their potential.
You must steer the ship, not your children. You have been given the authority, not them. This is not always easy. We come into parenthood with usually no training and sometimes fuzzy ideas on matters. Most times our head is spinning and were not sure ourselves what's best. No wonder we are quick to lose our tempers, get frustrated and even see our children as a pain in the neck. An authoritarian manner of excessive control will cause rebellion and stifle true freedom. A permissive approach of letting them rule the roost is not the answer either. You must exercise your authority in a clear, consistent, firm and loving way. It is an incredible service you render your children. They need it. They crave it. In doing so, you will pour your best self into your child, not the leftovers.
Pointers to underscore your authority:
As much as possible, be united with your husband. For your authority to be as effective as possible, you must share the same “song and dance” even though you may have different personal styles. Your unity builds a strong moral foundation for your children. You in many ways are developing their conscience and they don't need to have to choose between two conflicting parents.
- don't argue in front of the kids. They will learn firsthand from you that they can challenge your authority if they see you regularly battle it out.
- teach your kids you cannot make some decisions without talking to dad about it. That way your kids don't play you against your spouse.
- always speak positively about your spouse to your child, pointing out his strengths. Help them to see you are loyal first to him.
This being said, communicate regularly with your husband regarding the frustrations and problems you are facing. Share ideas, strategies and approaches. I'm sure you won't always know what to do, but it's important that you act as a team.
Develop your knowledge of how you can exercise your authority more appropriately by reading excellent books, listening to good tapes/videos and searching out successful parents who are a step ahead of you.
Realize that each child is different and should be treated differently. Some are sensitive, others thick, some intellectual, others emotional. You must learn to understand them, so you can demand in a proper manner.
Build your arsenal of good techniques for discipline. This includes but does not mean punishment. Good coaches know how to motivate, instil, encourage and demand. They are patient and always looking for good ideas, using punishment only when major rules have been overstepped.
As much as possible stay calm. You will overreact if you let your emotions lead you. You must develop more self-control to stay cool and level-headed. Only then will you be fair, reasonable and really loving when you calmly and firmly deal with the situation.
Emphasize the positive much more than the negative. You will attract kids more with honey than vinegar. Ten praises will save you a hundred reprimands.
Pick and choose your battles. Decide one specific concrete thing you and your spouse will work on for a given amount of time and ignore the rest. Kids don't need to feel like you are always launching missiles at them.
Have a sense of humor. Don't take things too seriously and realize things will pass.
Treat your children with dignity. They are children of God, just as you are. Do not insult, humiliate, use sarcasm or harsh physical treatment. You will really undercut your authority in their eyes and break your relationship not strengthen it by these approaches.
Be willing to apologize when you have gone too far, but never apologize for your authority. For example, “Honey, what you did was wrong and you needed to be ...., but I overreacted and should not have yelled so loud or used those words. I am sorry. Can you forgive me?“ but still follow through in discipline.
Realize you are a better parent when you are rested and not so stressed. Make every effort to get your sleep, de-junk your life as much as you can so it has less stress, and take time to have fun as a family. Build good memories of being together, focussing on the positive. That alone will minimize your child's need for attention through negative behaviour. Take the time. Make the time. Your children are the most important investment of your energy and life.
Lastly, but most importantly, lean constantly on God for strength, for wisdom and for perseverance. Pray to God for your children and about your children. He has handpicked this child for your life. Realize God may be wanting to turn you into a more loving person through this child. Kids force us to move beyond our comfort zone to grow in patience, understanding, love and sacrifice. With God all things are possible, without him nothing is. Hope in his help and grab the graces. You will be so much better off when you do.